1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:04,020
Look, I got to get
To hyannis

2
00:00:04,020 --> 00:00:07,060
And I'm a little short
On cash. So how about
We make a trade?

3
00:00:07,060 --> 00:00:08,560
Fresh-caught fish
For a ticket.

4
00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,860
I'll, uh,
Give you 4 haddock.

5
00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:13,360
4 haddock?
That's ridiculous.

6
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:14,870
What kind of
A backwoods operation

7
00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:16,500
Do you think
We're running here?

8
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:18,000
Joe, can you believe it?

9
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,000
This guy wants
To give us 4 haddock
For a one-way to hyannis.

10
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:21,940
No way.

11
00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:23,940
6, and not a haddock less.

12
00:00:25,010 --> 00:00:26,180
It's a deal.

13
00:00:26,180 --> 00:00:27,180
Throw in a bucket of clams,

14
00:00:27,180 --> 00:00:29,280
And I'll upgrade you
To first class.

15
00:00:31,810 --> 00:00:33,520
[seagulls cawing]

16
00:01:41,950 --> 00:01:43,450
[phone ringing]

17
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:47,960
[plane engine roaring]

18
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:55,800
[exclaims]

19
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,800
Oh, roy.
Thank god it's you.

20
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:01,300
I thought one of those
Big, sweaty beetles
Had landed on my lens.

21
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:04,710
What are you doing, lowell?

22
00:02:05,210 --> 00:02:08,710
Videotaping the airport
So you can see
Where you used to work?

23
00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:11,210
No.  America's
Wackiest videos

24
00:02:11,210 --> 00:02:13,220
Is offering a
$100,000 prize.

25
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:16,650
And I just wanna
Be ready in case
Anything wacky happens.

26
00:02:17,150 --> 00:02:20,160
Say, roy, how about
You loosen your belt,

27
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,160
Let your pants fall down
Around your ankles,

28
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,660
And do that little
Waddle of yours?

29
00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:28,600
How about
I take off my belt

30
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,600
And wrap it
Around your neck

31
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:33,000
And tighten it
Till your eyes bulge out?

32
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,510
Oh, it's a good thought,
Roy, but they did that
Last week with a cat.

33
00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:41,680
Is there a joe hackett here?

34
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,180
I'm joe hackett.

35
00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:46,180
You know, your car is parked
In the handicapped zone.

36
00:02:46,180 --> 00:02:47,680
Oh, there must be
Some mistake.

37
00:02:48,180 --> 00:02:49,690
I would never park in a--
(brian)
Hey, thanks a lot, joe.

38
00:02:49,690 --> 00:02:52,190
By the way,
You're a little low
On gas.

39
00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:55,690
Fine. Just
Give me the ticket.

40
00:02:57,030 --> 00:02:58,530
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
What's this for?

41
00:02:58,530 --> 00:03:02,130
A charm bracelet.
A little token of affection
From the city fathers.

42
00:03:02,130 --> 00:03:04,130
Ooh, now this
Looks promising.

43
00:03:05,070 --> 00:03:06,070
Beat it.

44
00:03:06,570 --> 00:03:08,240
This is how
You guys handle
A parking violation?

45
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,810
This is how we handle
42 parking violations.

46
00:03:10,810 --> 00:03:13,310
You have the right
To remain silent--
Excuse me, officer,

47
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:14,810
I don't really know
What's goin' on here,

48
00:03:14,810 --> 00:03:16,810
But I can assure you
That this man is innocent,

49
00:03:16,810 --> 00:03:19,320
Whoever he is.

50
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,220
Can I have
A moment alone
With my brother?

51
00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:23,820
Joe? Joe, is that you?

52
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:26,520
You've got 30 seconds.
Don't try anything funny.

53
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,520
But if you do,
I'll be right over here.

54
00:03:31,590 --> 00:03:34,030
She says I have
42 tickets, brian.

55
00:03:34,030 --> 00:03:36,030
Consider yourself lucky, joe.
It would have been 43,

56
00:03:36,030 --> 00:03:38,230
But I drove off
While they were writin'
One of 'em.

57
00:03:38,230 --> 00:03:40,140
Hey, sugar buns,
Move it along.

58
00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:42,140
Sugar buns! Huh?
Isn't that cute, joe?

59
00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:44,140
She's already given you
A prison nickname.

60
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:46,480
One I suggest you change,
By the way.

61
00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:50,710
Brian...
Relax, joe, relax.

62
00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:52,720
I will get us out of this.
How?

63
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,720
Come on. She's a woman,
I'm me.

64
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,120
Fill in the blanks.

65
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,420
I really don't wanna
Go to prison, brian.

66
00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:05,300
Uh, hi,
Officer...Thomas.

67
00:04:05,290 --> 00:04:06,300
Brian hackett.

68
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:07,660
[smacks lips]

69
00:04:08,660 --> 00:04:10,570
You got a problem?
No!

70
00:04:11,070 --> 00:04:12,570
[chuckling]
No, no problem.

71
00:04:12,570 --> 00:04:14,700
You're new to the island,
Aren't you?

72
00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:16,340
Yeah. So?

73
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:19,840
I don't know,
There's just something
Incredibly familiar about you.

74
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:22,350
Maybe, it's that
Enchanting perfume
You're wearing.

75
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:23,080
What do you call it?

76
00:04:23,580 --> 00:04:24,650
Deodorant.
Mmm!

77
00:04:25,650 --> 00:04:27,150
Bet it's french.

78
00:04:27,150 --> 00:04:29,650
French... France.
That's it.

79
00:04:30,150 --> 00:04:32,160
The line of your cheekbone
Takes me back

80
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,760
To that afternoon I spent
At the musee d'orsay in paris.

81
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:40,460
I was mesmerized
By the graceful beauty
Of a greek goddess.

82
00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:42,230
Does anyone
Ever buy that crap?

83
00:04:42,230 --> 00:04:43,630
You'd be amazed.

84
00:04:44,630 --> 00:04:47,470
Look, officer--
Look, I--I'll
Make you a deal.

85
00:04:47,470 --> 00:04:49,770
If I let him go,
Will you just,
Uh, shut up?

86
00:04:49,770 --> 00:04:53,280
By letting him go,
Do you mean letting him
Out of the handcuffs

87
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,940
Or letting him
Out of the tickets?

88
00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:56,810
Don't push it.
You're not that cute.

89
00:05:00,150 --> 00:05:02,550
Just pay
These tickets
By 5:00, ace.

90
00:05:02,550 --> 00:05:05,120
Oh, believe me,
Someone will pay.

91
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,090
Thank you, officer thomas.

92
00:05:07,590 --> 00:05:08,860
Colleen.

93
00:05:08,860 --> 00:05:11,760
Oh, ok. Well, uh, this has
Been a really incredible
Experience, colleen.

94
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,100
We'll have to do it
Again sometime.

95
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:14,030
When?

96
00:05:16,530 --> 00:05:17,730
When what?

97
00:05:17,730 --> 00:05:19,740
Uh, I think
She means "When"
As in,

98
00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:21,240
When are you two
Gonna get together?

99
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:22,740
You know how people
Always say that,

100
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,240
And they never
Actually set a time?
Uh...

101
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:26,240
So, when, brian?

102
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:30,250
Uh, you know,
W-whenever.

103
00:05:30,610 --> 00:05:31,610
How about tonight?

104
00:05:32,110 --> 00:05:34,120
I finish teaching
My mace class at 8:00.

105
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,550
Perfect.
Oh, uh, I--I really
Have a flight tonight.

106
00:05:36,550 --> 00:05:37,550
Sorry, no can do.

107
00:05:38,050 --> 00:05:39,420
No, no, you can do.
That's my flight.

108
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,120
Yeah, but don't you
Remember that I promised
To take it for you?

109
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,560
No.

110
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,960
Uh, you 2 kids go out,
Have a good time.

111
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,400
Dinner,
Maybe a doughnut.

112
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:52,640
[mumbling]
Joe, don't you remember
That I owe you a flight?

113
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,640
Brian, after
What you just did for me,
Consider the slate clean.

114
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,540
8:30. Pick me up
At the station.

115
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,040
Before we go to dinner,
I'll take you down
To the morgue

116
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,050
And show you the corpse
We pulled out of the harbor.

117
00:06:04,980 --> 00:06:06,480
How could you
Do this to me?

118
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,480
She is one
Scary woman.

119
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,490
Well, she's a scary
Woman, you're you.

120
00:06:11,490 --> 00:06:12,320
Fill in the blanks.

121
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:21,800
[cutlery clinking]

122
00:06:27,070 --> 00:06:30,070
Lowell mather, I catch you
Messing with anything
On my counter again,

123
00:06:30,070 --> 00:06:33,210
You're gonna be
Pickin' your nose
With your foot.

124
00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:36,210
I think you have me confused
With my cousin bevo.

125
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,620
Do I look confused?

126
00:06:38,610 --> 00:06:40,120
No, ma'am.

127
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:46,620
But, uh, helen,
You might wanna check
Those cream dispensers

128
00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:49,630
To make sure nobody put
Any, uh, you know,

129
00:06:49,630 --> 00:06:51,430
Kaopectate in them
Or anything.

130
00:06:56,770 --> 00:06:58,270
Hey, bro.

131
00:06:58,270 --> 00:07:00,400
Did you have fun
On your date last night?

132
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,410
Well, let me put it
To you this way:

133
00:07:02,410 --> 00:07:03,410
Viewing the corpse
In the morgue

134
00:07:03,910 --> 00:07:05,640
Was the high point
Of the evening.

135
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,710
Well, still,
You got home pretty late.
Did, uh, did anything happen?

136
00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:11,610
Yeah, hackett.
Did you two, uh,
How do the police say it,

137
00:07:11,610 --> 00:07:13,120
"Assume the position"?

138
00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:14,420
[groans]

139
00:07:14,420 --> 00:07:16,190
Cut me a little
Slack, roy, ok?

140
00:07:16,190 --> 00:07:17,950
No. No, no,
It's a fair question.

141
00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:19,420
Was there any
Physical contact?

142
00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:21,360
Oh, yeah, there was
Physical contact, all right.

143
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,360
On the way
Out of the restaurant,

144
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,900
She thought it would be fun
To demonstrate a selection
Of submission holds on me.

145
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,400
Yeah?

146
00:07:30,870 --> 00:07:34,740
Each of them
Involved grinding her heel
Into the small of my back.

147
00:07:35,070 --> 00:07:37,710
Oh! Spiked heels or pumps?

148
00:07:37,710 --> 00:07:39,710
This was the worst date
I ever had.

149
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,710
Besides being both
Violent and boring,

150
00:07:41,710 --> 00:07:43,710
It violated my rule
Of never goin' out
With anybody

151
00:07:44,210 --> 00:07:45,720
In polyester
Stretch pants.

152
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:46,950
No offense, roy.

153
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,050
Anyway, it's
All over with

154
00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:50,990
And I've learned
Something very important.

155
00:07:50,990 --> 00:07:53,560
Yeah. You should
Pay your parking tickets
When you get 'em.

156
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,560
No, that you're on your own
From now on, big shot.

157
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,560
This is the last time
I'm pulling your fanny
Out of the fire.

158
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,570
Fanny on fire? Boy,
A guy leaves the room
For one minute...

159
00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:08,140
Well, the upside is,
No way she's ever gonna
Want to see me ever again.

160
00:08:08,140 --> 00:08:10,140
Brian, I almost forgot.

161
00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:12,880
This was delivered
Earlier for you.

162
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:13,880
(all)
Aw!

163
00:08:14,380 --> 00:08:16,880
What? What?
It's not necessarily
From her.

164
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,180
A teddy bear
Dressed as a policeman
Could be from anyone.

165
00:08:20,180 --> 00:08:21,180
[crying]
Oh, god.

166
00:08:21,180 --> 00:08:23,420
[roy chuckling]

167
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:26,820
"Dearest brian,
Here's a widdle
Powice bear

168
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:29,190
For you to cuddle wif
Tonight."

169
00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:32,130
Not much of a speller,
Is she?

170
00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:36,130
Boy, I'll say.
One "D" in "Widdle."

171
00:08:36,130 --> 00:08:37,800
[snorts]

172
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:38,800
This is terrible.

173
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,300
I don't wanna
Get involved
With a woman

174
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,310
With a brass knuckle
Collection.

175
00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:44,310
Jeez, louise.

176
00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:47,810
I spend a fortune on those
976 numbers to get
My dream gal, and nothin',

177
00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:49,310
And you wind up
With venus.

178
00:08:51,810 --> 00:08:53,820
I'm gonna go down
To the station
Right now,

179
00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:56,520
And I'm gonna end
This thing with colleen
Once and for all.

180
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:57,990
It's time I started
To act like a man.

181
00:08:57,990 --> 00:08:59,620
What're you gonna do?

182
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:02,630
I'm gonna leave this bear
With the desk sergeant
And run like hell.

183
00:09:02,630 --> 00:09:04,630
Brian.
Oh!

184
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,900
How did you like my gift?
Uh...

185
00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:08,400
Uh, I wove my widdle fwiend.

186
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:12,400
Outstanding.
I wanted to do
Something special.

187
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,770
Last night
Was just so wonderful.
Mmm.

188
00:09:14,770 --> 00:09:16,640
So will I be
Seeing you?

189
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,470
Oh, heck,
It's a small island.

190
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,940
I'm sure we'll be
Seein' each other
Around, you know?

191
00:09:20,340 --> 00:09:22,850
No, I mean,
Will I be "Seeing" you?

192
00:09:24,810 --> 00:09:25,820
Doesn't now qualify?

193
00:09:29,890 --> 00:09:31,890
I'm getting some
Weird vibes here, brian.

194
00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:38,530
You weren't toying with me
Last night, were you?

195
00:09:38,530 --> 00:09:41,100
I mean, this wasn't
Just about getting out
Of some tickets?

196
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:43,100
[sighing]
Because if it was,
I swear...

197
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:44,970
No, no. Colleen!

198
00:09:44,970 --> 00:09:46,270
[chuckles]
Colleen!

199
00:09:46,270 --> 00:09:48,270
Collie, collie,
Collie, no.

200
00:09:49,470 --> 00:09:52,140
Sandpiper air flight 7
To provincetown

201
00:09:52,140 --> 00:09:53,540
Is now ready for boarding.

202
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,880
Ah, there is my flight.
Got to run.

203
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,380
You'll call me
When you get back?

204
00:09:57,380 --> 00:09:59,880
Uh, sure, as if my life
Depended on it.

205
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,420
It doesn't, does it?

206
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:15,970
[yawning]

207
00:10:15,970 --> 00:10:17,970
Fay, do I look
As bad as I feel?

208
00:10:17,970 --> 00:10:21,040
I don't know.
Do you feel like
Death warmed over?

209
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,740
Yes, I do.

210
00:10:23,010 --> 00:10:25,010
You see, joe? That wasn't
So hard to figure out.

211
00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:27,380
I just can't
Take it anymore.

212
00:10:27,380 --> 00:10:29,380
This is the 3rd
Night in a row.

213
00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:32,880
Colleen keeps calling
At all hours and brian
Refuses to talk to her.

214
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,320
So as usual,
It's me that has
To answer the phone.

215
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,750
Well, why don't you
Just let it ring?

216
00:10:38,250 --> 00:10:41,220
You can't do that.
Of course you can.

217
00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:43,660
[phone ringing]
No, you can't. You have
To answer the phone.

218
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,160
[phone continues ringing]
Says who?

219
00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:48,160
Aren't you
Gonna answer that?
No.

220
00:10:50,170 --> 00:10:54,670
[phone continues ringing]

221
00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:57,910
And neither are you.

222
00:10:57,910 --> 00:10:58,910
[ringing continues]
Feel the freedom, joe,

223
00:10:58,910 --> 00:11:02,410
Feel the power
Of not answering
A ringing phone.

224
00:11:02,410 --> 00:11:04,410
[phone stops ringing]

225
00:11:04,410 --> 00:11:06,350
Now, don't you
Feel better?
No!

226
00:11:06,350 --> 00:11:07,850
Oh, come on, joe,
Think about it.

227
00:11:07,850 --> 00:11:09,350
How many phone calls
In your life

228
00:11:09,350 --> 00:11:11,290
Have been so important
They couldn't wait?

229
00:11:11,290 --> 00:11:14,190
Fay, your neighbor's
Been trying to reach you.
Your garage is on fire.

230
00:11:14,190 --> 00:11:15,690
Oh, my god.

231
00:11:17,690 --> 00:11:19,500
Oh, my god.
Hi, fay, nice blouse.

232
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:21,830
Thank you, it's new.

233
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:25,330
Hey, brian. You have got
To end this thing
With colleen today.

234
00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:26,340
Look--
Now. This minute!

235
00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:28,140
Joe, relax, will you?

236
00:11:28,140 --> 00:11:30,140
The cold-shoulder
Strategy is in effect.

237
00:11:30,140 --> 00:11:31,470
She'll get the hint
Eventually.

238
00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:33,240
Oh, brian.

239
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,240
You shouldn't treat
Colleen that way.

240
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,750
It is such
The typical gutless guy
Way of handling things.

241
00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:43,220
Right, recommended by
98 out of 100 gutless guys
As safe and effective.

242
00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:46,320
Helen's right, brian.
Just tell her the truth.

243
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,360
The truth?
She'd rather hear anything

244
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,660
Than hear that
He doesn't like her.
No, no, no.

245
00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:52,160
You tell her
A little white lie.

246
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,230
Therefore,
She can walk away
With her dignity intact.

247
00:11:55,230 --> 00:11:56,230
The truth.

248
00:11:56,230 --> 00:11:57,600
[snorting]

249
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,600
Well, excuse me
For wanting to live
In a world

250
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,970
Where people don't lie,
And maybe answer the phone
Once in a while.

251
00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:04,410
Thank you both
For your advice,

252
00:12:04,410 --> 00:12:06,910
But believe me,
When I give a woman
The cold shoulder,

253
00:12:06,910 --> 00:12:07,910
She gets the message.

254
00:12:08,410 --> 00:12:09,710
Brian.
Oh!

255
00:12:09,710 --> 00:12:12,050
Why haven't you been
Returning my phone calls?

256
00:12:12,050 --> 00:12:15,650
Joe, colleen's been calling
And you didn't tell me?

257
00:12:15,650 --> 00:12:16,650
[tisking]

258
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,090
So everything's ok?

259
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:21,860
Ah, sure, sure.

260
00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:25,290
Outstanding, because
Tonight is couples' night
At the pistol range.

261
00:12:25,290 --> 00:12:27,800
Look, uh, colleen,
Before we get around
Any live ammo,

262
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,130
I--I--I really think
We need to talk.

263
00:12:30,130 --> 00:12:31,630
About what?

264
00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:33,640
Well...

265
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,510
Uh, gosh,
I--I really don't know
How to say this.

266
00:12:38,610 --> 00:12:41,110
[stuttering]
Ok, look,
I sort of had this

267
00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:45,110
On-again, off-again
Relationship
With this other woman.

268
00:12:45,110 --> 00:12:46,920
Not nearly
As together as you.

269
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,190
Anyway, when I met her,

270
00:12:50,190 --> 00:12:53,290
It was kind of off,
But now it's kind of--
Crap.

271
00:12:53,290 --> 00:12:54,760
I knew you'd understand.

272
00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:57,690
I don't believe you.
You're making this up.

273
00:12:57,690 --> 00:12:59,630
Just like probably
You've been making
Everything up.

274
00:12:59,630 --> 00:13:01,960
All right, now,
Colleen, I'm shocked.

275
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,270
Then who is she?

276
00:13:03,770 --> 00:13:05,270
Who is she?

277
00:13:06,270 --> 00:13:07,270
Who is she?

278
00:13:09,770 --> 00:13:11,770
I'll tell you who she is.
She's her.

279
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,560
Ok, roy.
When I give you
The signal,

280
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:33,700
You start shooting
And I'll walk into that door.

281
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,400
Ok?

282
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,900
[chuckling]
Ok.

283
00:13:45,540 --> 00:13:46,910
Did you get it?

284
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:49,410
Yep, we--
Oh, no, wait, darn.

285
00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:53,420
I pressed play
Instead of record.

286
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:54,750
We--we better
Try it again.

287
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:56,720
Ok. Ready?
Mmm.

288
00:14:03,660 --> 00:14:04,660
[exhales]

289
00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:06,130
Did you get it?

290
00:14:06,130 --> 00:14:09,470
Um, it was a little
Out of focus. We better
Do it one more time, huh?

291
00:14:10,730 --> 00:14:11,730
Ok.

292
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,600
Ready?

293
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,410
[muttering]
Did you get it?

294
00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:24,910
It wasn't framed
Just right.

295
00:14:24,910 --> 00:14:26,920
So, um,
We should try one more.

296
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,680
I--I'll get her
This time for sure.

297
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,190
Whatever you say, troy.

298
00:14:31,690 --> 00:14:32,690
Ready?

299
00:14:35,990 --> 00:14:36,990
You ok, lowell?

300
00:14:37,990 --> 00:14:38,990
Yes.

301
00:14:38,990 --> 00:14:41,500
And I'll take "Potpourri"
For $50, alex.

302
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:42,500
[phone ringing]

303
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,500
Oh, the daily double.

304
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,800
Well, joe. You're looking
Much better this morning.

305
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,310
Finally got some sleep.

306
00:14:50,310 --> 00:14:51,310
I don't know
What brian did,

307
00:14:51,310 --> 00:14:53,680
But colleen seems
To be out of our life.

308
00:14:56,180 --> 00:14:57,610
[crashing]

309
00:14:57,610 --> 00:14:59,180
What's wrong?

310
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:00,180
I don't know
What's going on,

311
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,850
But that policewoman
Will not leave me alone.

312
00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:05,120
On the way to work,
She stops me 3 times.

313
00:15:05,620 --> 00:15:08,620
Once for having
My registration sticker
In the wrong place,

314
00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:11,130
Once for not making
A complete stop
At a stop sign,

315
00:15:11,130 --> 00:15:14,460
And once for going
A measly 2 miles
Over the speed limit.

316
00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:15,970
Well,

317
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,070
Did you do those things?

318
00:15:18,070 --> 00:15:19,070
Who are you,
Donny osmond?

319
00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:20,540
Of course
I did those things!

320
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:22,440
That's not
The point, joe.

321
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,940
Does anyone here
Have a black jeep laredo

322
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,940
With the license plate
"Cello"?

323
00:15:25,940 --> 00:15:27,440
That's my jeep.

324
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,950
You know damn well
That's my jeep!

325
00:15:29,950 --> 00:15:30,950
[clears throat]

326
00:15:30,950 --> 00:15:33,750
Remember that
You stopped me 3 times
Earlier today?

327
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:35,250
Oh, yeah, I remember you.

328
00:15:35,250 --> 00:15:36,490
[whimpers]

329
00:15:36,490 --> 00:15:38,350
What is this for?
Broken taillight.

330
00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:40,860
No, that can't be.
I left my jeep
Not 5 minutes ago.

331
00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:42,290
It did not have
A broken taillight.

332
00:15:42,290 --> 00:15:43,690
Oh, gee.

333
00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:44,630
It does now!

334
00:15:46,260 --> 00:15:48,560
Hi, fay.
Beautiful day,
Isn't it?

335
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,070
Sun's out,
The birds are singing,

336
00:15:50,070 --> 00:15:53,600
I don't have a stiletto heel
Wedged between my vertebrae.

337
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:57,340
Brian, you're a sweet boy,
But I don't understand
Half of what you say.

338
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,840
Hey, brian,
When you settled things
With colleen,

339
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,280
Exactly how did you
Settle 'em?

340
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,180
Oh, I just took helen's advice
And I simply told colleen

341
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,080
A little white lie
To spare her feelings.

342
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,750
What kind of
Little white lie?

343
00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:09,550
I told her
Helen was my girlfriend.

344
00:16:09,820 --> 00:16:11,690
[door banging]
Did you bother
Telling helen about this?

345
00:16:11,690 --> 00:16:14,160
That psycho
Broke my taillight!

346
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,660
It didn't seem
To involve her.

347
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:17,660
What have I done
To deserve this?

348
00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:18,660
You haven't done
Anything, helen.

349
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:21,160
Brian told colleen
That you were
His girlfriend.

350
00:16:22,660 --> 00:16:24,470
What? You did what?

351
00:16:24,470 --> 00:16:27,000
Well, y-you're the one
Who told me to tell her
A little white lie.

352
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,840
Yes. A little white lie--
(colleen)
Yo, miss chapel.

353
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,340
Charming little cafe
You have here.

354
00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:32,840
I'll have to recommend it
To the health inspector.

355
00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:35,810
That's it, brian.

356
00:16:36,310 --> 00:16:38,310
2 can play this game.

357
00:16:38,810 --> 00:16:40,950
Excuse me, uh,
Officer thomas,

358
00:16:41,450 --> 00:16:44,150
I think it's time
For a little
Girl-to-girl talk here.

359
00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:45,650
Yeah?

360
00:16:45,650 --> 00:16:48,360
Look, I know
When I'm overmatched.

361
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,930
What are you
Trying to say?

362
00:16:49,930 --> 00:16:52,690
I'm trying to say
That I know
About you and brian.

363
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,930
And I know...

364
00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:57,730
[whispering loudly]
That he's got it
Bad for you.

365
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,000
He does?
Oh, yes, he does.

366
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,040
As a matter of fact,
You can have him.

367
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,470
Helen, helen!
He's yours.

368
00:17:03,470 --> 00:17:05,340
You don't know
What you're saying.
Oh, yes, I do.

369
00:17:05,340 --> 00:17:07,340
I found out
About those
Reservations.

370
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,580
What reservations?
Yes, what reservations?

371
00:17:09,580 --> 00:17:10,810
You know,
The ones you made

372
00:17:10,810 --> 00:17:13,210
At that cozy little inn
In vermont this weekend?

373
00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:14,480
(helen)
See, I hate the woods.

374
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,390
So I know
He wasn't planning
To take me there.

375
00:17:16,890 --> 00:17:17,890
But I was. I was!

376
00:17:17,890 --> 00:17:20,190
Oh, brian,
This is wonderful.
When are we leaving?

377
00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:22,690
Well, check-in is at 4:00,
So if you wanna
Catch the ferry--

378
00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:25,290
Outstanding!
I'll just swing by my place
And pick up a few things.

379
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:27,300
Oh, and, helen,
Forget about that ticket.

380
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,800
I got what I want.

381
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:33,200
Oh, pack a pink nightie.
Brian loves pink.

382
00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:35,400
Welcome to the
Big leagues, sparky.

383
00:17:44,010 --> 00:17:45,510
Excuse me, ma'am.

384
00:17:45,510 --> 00:17:48,020
If someone were
To jam your head
In a dishwasher,

385
00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:51,520
Would you have any objection
To my filming your rear end
Hanging out?

386
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,890
Just trying to make
America laugh.

387
00:17:56,890 --> 00:17:58,190
Oh, uh, lowell,

388
00:17:58,190 --> 00:18:00,700
That file drawer
In joe's office
Came off its rollers again.

389
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,160
Uh, could you fix it?

390
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,670
Yeah, sure, fay.
Might as well.

391
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:07,670
Nothing wacky ever
Happens around here.

392
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,170
[golf balls clattering]

393
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:10,170
Hey, mike.

394
00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:26,920
Well,

395
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,920
That file drawer's fixed.

396
00:18:29,420 --> 00:18:30,930
I'm gonna head into town

397
00:18:30,930 --> 00:18:33,430
And see if anything wacky
Is happening there.

398
00:18:40,570 --> 00:18:42,070
Colleen's due here
Any second.

399
00:18:42,070 --> 00:18:43,770
I just came
To say good-bye.

400
00:18:43,770 --> 00:18:46,780
I've entered myself
Into the witness
Protection program, joe.

401
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:50,410
If you need me,
Wire niles underwood,
Enid, oklahoma.

402
00:18:50,410 --> 00:18:51,910
Gee, niles, uh,

403
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:54,320
If you leave now, you'll miss
Your weekend in vermont.

404
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,190
[laughing]

405
00:18:56,180 --> 00:18:58,550
[scoffing]
You're getting a big kick
Out of this, aren't you?

406
00:18:58,550 --> 00:18:59,850
You said I should
Laugh more, brian.

407
00:19:00,090 --> 00:19:01,590
Joe, I am desperate!

408
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:03,590
I've tried every weapon
In my arsenal.

409
00:19:03,590 --> 00:19:07,130
I've tried charm,
Deceit, avoidance,
Crass manipulation.

410
00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:09,730
All my old friends
Have failed me.

411
00:19:09,730 --> 00:19:11,730
I know this is, uh,
Sort of a radical idea,

412
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:13,600
But how about
Tellin' her the truth?

413
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,910
Oh, sure, joe.
Why don't I just stick
A bull's-eye on my privates?

414
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,480
Brian,
Colleen is here,

415
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,980
And she's
Wearing lipstick.

416
00:19:21,980 --> 00:19:22,980
[groans]

417
00:19:25,710 --> 00:19:26,720
Ok.

418
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,650
Ok, joe.
I'll try it your way.

419
00:19:29,150 --> 00:19:30,950
But if she kills me,

420
00:19:30,950 --> 00:19:32,450
I'm gonna come back
From the grave

421
00:19:32,450 --> 00:19:33,960
And mess up
Your sock drawer.

422
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,660
All set?

423
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:41,660
Uh, colleen,
I think we need
To have a little talk.

424
00:19:44,170 --> 00:19:45,670
Be good to him.

425
00:19:46,170 --> 00:19:49,140
[sobbing]

426
00:19:49,140 --> 00:19:50,570
[helen guffawing]

427
00:19:53,580 --> 00:19:56,040
Colleen, I have something
I wanna say to you.

428
00:19:57,950 --> 00:19:59,250
[laughing]

429
00:19:59,980 --> 00:20:01,480
What? What's so funny?

430
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,990
You're not gonna
Propose to me, are you?

431
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:05,090
Because I had
This funny premonition.

432
00:20:05,090 --> 00:20:06,890
That is funny.
Then it's true.

433
00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:08,590
No, it's just funny.
Look, colleen...

434
00:20:10,230 --> 00:20:12,830
Colleen, there's not
Gonna be a weekend trip.

435
00:20:14,330 --> 00:20:16,000
There's not?
No, there's not.

436
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,000
Our whole relationship
Has been a sham,

437
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,500
I've never been involved
With helen,

438
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,500
And the only reason
I went out with you
In the first place

439
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,040
Was to keep my brother
From getting arrested.

440
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,010
Now, I'll understand
If you're upset!

441
00:20:25,010 --> 00:20:27,410
But all I ask
Is that you please...

442
00:20:27,410 --> 00:20:28,910
Don't mark up my face.

443
00:20:32,010 --> 00:20:33,410
Ok.

444
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:37,920
"Ok" as in "Ok, you won't
Mark up my face,"

445
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,260
Or "Ok" as in "Ok,
It's all ok with you"?

446
00:20:41,060 --> 00:20:42,520
It's fine with me, brian.

447
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,030
[exclaims in relief]

448
00:20:44,030 --> 00:20:45,530
Oh, that's great!

449
00:20:46,030 --> 00:20:47,030
That's great. To think I...

450
00:20:47,030 --> 00:20:49,430
I was afraid of
How you'd take all this.

451
00:20:50,430 --> 00:20:52,700
Well, that's that, then.

452
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:54,470
I guess I'll be, uh,
Seein' you around, huh?

453
00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:55,970
Hmm. It's a small island.

454
00:20:55,970 --> 00:20:57,470
I'm sure we'll be bumping
Into each other.
Yes.

455
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:02,980
Excuse me, officer, I...

456
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:04,980
[clears throat]
I'd like to turn myself in.

457
00:21:06,980 --> 00:21:10,190
I have 200
Unpaid parking tickets.

458
00:21:10,190 --> 00:21:12,750
Well, then I'll have
To take you down
To the station.

459
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:14,760
I might be a bad boy,
I might resist.

460
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,260
[whistling]

461
00:21:22,260 --> 00:21:24,270
Morning, joe.
Morning, brian.

462
00:21:26,770 --> 00:21:28,270
Where are you?

463
00:21:28,270 --> 00:21:29,270
I'm out here.

464
00:21:39,980 --> 00:21:41,480
Is there coffee
Ready yet?

465
00:21:42,450 --> 00:21:44,690
What are you doing?

466
00:21:44,690 --> 00:21:47,690
Colleen came by last night
To thank me for my honesty.

467
00:21:47,690 --> 00:21:49,690
And you know, joe,

468
00:21:49,690 --> 00:21:51,690
I've learned something
Very important:

469
00:21:51,690 --> 00:21:52,690
That the truth

470
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,200
Is a hard pill
To swallow.

471
00:21:55,700 --> 00:21:58,200
So was that wad of cotton
She stuffed in my mouth.

472
00:22:00,070 --> 00:22:01,540
How long
You been up there?

473
00:22:01,540 --> 00:22:03,040
Oh, it's hard to tell.

474
00:22:03,540 --> 00:22:05,040
I've lost consciousness 3...

475
00:22:06,540 --> 00:22:08,040
Maybe 12 times.

476
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,580
Yeah.

477
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:14,080
Well, thanks
Anyway, brian,

478
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:15,580
But to be quite
Honest with you,

479
00:22:15,580 --> 00:22:17,090
It looks like
You staged it.